dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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