woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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