I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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