im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
