my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He has the fingertips of a God
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
