i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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