i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Shame is for Republicans.
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