hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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