you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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