My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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