Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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