Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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