fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
