...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
