THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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