i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
