I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
