Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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