The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
