I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
