I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
