Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize