On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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