Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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