I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
