quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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