If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
