I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
