do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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