Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
