I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
