So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
