Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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