is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
