I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just invented taco cereal.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
