Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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