Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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