no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
