can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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