I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
