walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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