have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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