fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think my tv is drunk
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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