I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
