Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm too high and old for this...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
