i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
