i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
