She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Farmville is her only friend.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
