no, he came in my armpit
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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