I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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