Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
