a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
