hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
