I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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