i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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