I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
