I think I died a long time ago.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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