I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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