haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
