I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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