you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
