If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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