I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
